7.59 p.m.

today i stayed in bed all day long—except to cook some food, take a bath, and pray my 5 times.
i haven’t gone home for a month by next week, this is the longest time i’ve been far from my home. i usually didn’t go home for 2 weeks, but a month? never imagined this before, such a nightmare indeed.

but, i’ve come to realize that everything is better this way. stay a lil bit away from my family (even tho this distance is too much actually) so that i won’t end up arguing with my family member, so that maybe just maybe they will appreciate my presence at least. but i don’t know, i hope it works that way.
i also let go of things i think will burden me if i still hold it up until now. i can’t be responsible for someone’s happiness, or maybe i don’t want to?

but i let my hope and expectation to another person at the same time, kind of contradictory to what i’m saying just now. i know.
i’m wondering… everyone must have their own dreams and aspirations, right? those dreams and aspirations are usually a thing, right? what if mine is a person?
there’s a person who says don’t expect anything from someone, meaning we can only put our expectations to our creator.
funny how those words came from someone’s i’ve been waiting these past 10 years, from someone’s i mentioned before as my aspiration. funny how that person said that just right after i said i’m waiting for them. then they were gone. poof.
i know i just can text you back to ask you to reply to my messages, i can do that everyday. but i need to know what you think. were you annoyed? were you waiting for my texts? what’s with all the spirit you gave me in the text? were you that excited as i thought you were? or every good thing about you only exists in my head while everything doesn’t mean anything to you?
i’m puzzled. there are a lot of questions left unanswered. not because of you, it’s all because i had no courage to ask and spit it out directly to you. i let you live in my head, thinking it’s all gonna end happily.
with all the bad scenarios i’ve made, i’m also trying to love the present. to love your presence, while you’re here even tho i think you prefered to appear invisible.
when you said that don’t wait for someone, that don’t put any hope to someone, i know you mean it. but i mean it too when i said that i’ll wait for you. do i have to wait for another 10 years just to meet you?